I Don't Really Give A Shit, Or Do I?

someone has changed his friendster status to 'in a relationship'.
i don't know if it was out of curiosity or the feelings that were never gone..that led me to go through his testimonials to find out who the "unlucky" girl is. no suspicious testimonials. next, went through his new friends' testimonials to see if he has written any to one of them. nothing also.

i don't exactly know what am i feeling right now...but it doesn't feel good at all..well, at least at that moment. do i miss him? yes and no.

YES..
it's because i miss having a boyfriend.
i miss looking forward to weekends to go out dating. now, there's nothing to anticipate. NOTHING AT ALL.
i miss having positive visions of my future, like starting my own family with him. now, all that i visualize is me living together with a few dogs.
i miss telling my friends those nice things my bf did, and what a perfect bf he was. now, all i can do is to listen enviously from my friends.
i miss waiting for his smses. now, my handphone hardly rings. sometimes, it doesn't ring at all for a few days.
i miss having a hand to held with when i walk. now, the only thing closest to that is holding jackie's paws.
i miss having a shoulder to cry on....or a comforting voice to console me when i am unhappy. now, i can only cry silently to sleep.
i miss reading those sweet messages on cards from him. most of them have ended up in the rubbish bin.
on top of that all, i miss being a happy pling. all that is left of me now is a bitter person, a person who strongly believes that guys are naturally born assholes.

NO..
it's because i am sure that i don't want him in my life anymore.
i no longer anticipate his smses.
i have given up hope on him long time ago.
i still have not forgiven him after all those shit he has given me.
I JUST WANT TO MOVE ON.

i have never regretted starting the relationship in the 1st place.
that was like the MOST wonderful moment of my life.
and i thank him for that.

and i thank him too for causing me to cry 500 ml of tears, if not 1 litre.
have i really moved on?
i really don't know, cause i still cry, thinking about the past.

i wish to believe that guys are the best thing that could happen to girls.
but i don't even dare to hope, for hoping only give even bigger disappointment.
again and again, guys have proven to me that they can be great assholes.

you probably have heard me saying phrases like :

i don't need a man to survive.
i can still live happily without a man.
i am happy being single.

sometimes, i doubt if i really mean that.
cause deep inside, somehow...i still have the tiny hope that i will find someone.
but my instinct tells me that the tiny hope will be shattered.....

i don't want to be strong, cause being strong is painful.